Shut Up and Kiss Me

1. You’re like an exothermic reaction, you spread your hotness everywhere!

2. I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves.

3. You’re like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!

4. If I was an enzyme, I’d be helicase so I could unzip your genes.

5. I’m attracted to you so strongly, scientists will have to develop a fifth fundamental force.

6. Baby, you overclock my processor.

7. Be my queen and mate me with your knight moves.

8. Baby, you make my floppy disk turn into a hard drive

9. You make me want to calibrate my joystick without the latest drivers.

10.You defragment my life.

11. Do you think we can make it a step more serious and disable network sharing?

12. You must be auxin, cause you are causing me to have rapid stem elongation.

13. Baby, let me find your nth term.

14. I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?

15. Baby I’ll treat you like my homework — I’ll slam you on the table and do you all night long

16. Hey baby, can I see what’s under your radical?

17. If I were an integral, I’d fill you up.

18. I’m a fermata… hold me

19. I think my heart just lagged.

20. I wish I were your second derivative so I could fill your concavities.

21. Did you just combust?? Because you’re HOT!

22. By looking at you I can tell you’re 36-25-36, which by the way are all perfect squares.

23. It doesn’t take a genius to see how gorgeous you are, but if it did, I would be overqualified.

24. Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be what they call FINE PRINT!

25. What do you say we go back to my room and do some math: Add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply

26. Baby, you’re a 9.999999999…but you’d be a 10 if you were with me.

27. Baby, every time I see you, my cardiovascular system gets all worked up

28. I wish I were adenine because then I could get paired with U.

29. What’s your sine? It must be pi/2 because you’re the 1

30. If my right leg was Christmas and my left was Easter, would you like to spend some time between the holidays?

31. You have nicer legs than an Isosceles right triangle.

32. You’re so cute you make my zygomaticus muscles contract. (Muscles that make you smile)

33. When you and me get together it’s like superposition of 2 waves in phase.

34. Want to meet up so I can excite your natural frequency?

35. If I was sin^2 and you were cos^2 together we would be 1

36. You know.. it’s not the length of the vector that counts… it’s how you apply the force

37. If I move my lips half the distance to yours… and then half again… and again… etc…. would they ever meet? no? Well in this specific case I am going to disprove your assumption.

38. Your name is Leslie? Look, I can spell your name on my calculator!

39. If I was an endoplasmic reticulum, how would you want me: smooth or rough?

40. I wish I was an Ion so I could form an exothermic bond with you.

41. If my right leg is the cell wall and my left the membrane, do you want to be the cytoplasm?

42. Our love is like dividing by zero…. you cannot define it

43. Let’s meet somewhere… you bring your beaker and I’ll bring my stirring rod

44. Baby let me be your integral so I can be the area under your curves

45. Hey baby, what’s your tanx cosx?

46. Let’s get together and test the spring potential of my mattress

47. Let’s discover our coefficient of friction

48. Baby, you’re so gneiss I’ll never take you for granite.

49. I less than three you….. (i < 3 you)

50. I heard you’re sin because you’re always on top when we make tangent

Chicks in space featuring matts brain on a memory stick

I’m on this whole colonisation of space trip.

My mate’s always going on about how the world is headed for disaster.

Me, I’m pretty confident in technology. The internet is making the global community a reality.

That’s why I hate hippies protesting about GE and nuclear power. Where mature (green) free market societies can rise so GE and nuclear power will not be used by white corporate fucks to fuck poor peoples asses . . . it’ll save our asses.

If we run out of oil we’ll synthesize it with biofeul.
If we run out of water making biofeul we’ll synthesize it with nuclear powered desalinators (y’know so we can water plants with the sea and stuff)

But all those poor people overseas will keep starving! We seriously need more condoms. Thats not a joke.

Things will probably get a bit nasty in our lifetimes, but we’ll get through. And with the advances in genetics . . .
what if people born in the 20th century were the last humans to die? That’d suck!

Then it’s off to space.

You know those ultra feminists how they don’t need men, y’know the “as long as there’s sperm on ice then we’re good without men” types?

Well, I just bummed out.

Boys won’t be going to colonise space. We’ll take up too much room. Way more room than a sperm bank. It’ll just add to the cost and damage to the atmosphere when you launch extra shit into space, in this case, like dudes.

Chicks will colonise space.

See THERE’s a movie I might be interested in watching. Like hot chicks on Saturn and aliens and stuff.

Well I’m still going to space before I die. Look down on the earth. That will be a trip.

Literally. By the time I get to that age I’m going to liberally self medicating. Dying of old age will be considered so 21st century.

But then I’m just going to upload to my brain and like chill. Then email it to the girls out on the moons of Saturn we’re they’ll have grown me a nice clone to download my brain into.

SWEEEEEEET

YES TONIGHT WE’RE GONNA PARTY LIKE ITS TWO THOUSAND AND NINETY NINE!!!!

Why do girls do surveys???

I have met some amazing chicks here in my time on myspace.

Intelligent women. Creative women. Beautiful women.

But they just can’t stay away from those dumb surveys where they tell everyone all these boring trivial minute details of their mundane lives!!!

Is it a deep genetic impulse known as the cleo/cosmo reflex?

Not a lot of research is available on the subject.

(ie by googling “why do girls do myspace surveys”) 

But it has been mooted that chicks are very much into “self discovery” and learning about “who they really are”.

See I already know I’m smarter than most people I meet it’s just up to me to make more money and date more models to prove it - oh and of course to present this ultra rationalised shallow facade to the world and see who buys it.
but this bulletin isn’t about that.

It’s about another funny old thing I’ve noticed, I even do it myself.

Look at your comments. Especially your PCs.

Have you noticed how often people say the same thing as others without even thinking?

For example:

One person says “Hey Matt, cool pic, nice hair, blah blah . . .  ”

the chances that the next people to comment will start with the word “hey”, will use the adjective “cool” or mention my “hair” is dramatically increased.

I dunno, maybe people don’t really think that much.

Or they tend to treat their brains as a sponge for soaking things up and squeezing them out, rather than a muscle and working it. 

See if you notice what I’m talking about

Man and Goat

oh the questions that remain . . . how did he get caught???

Final name suppression was granted today to a North Canterbury man who admitted trying to have sex with a goat.

In Rangiora District Court, Judge Brian Callaghan ordered the man, who turns 69 tomorrow, to undergo two years of intense supervision.

Judge Callaghan said the behaviour was “unusual, perverse and depraved” but his family, including the man’s wife, continued to support him and publication of his name would negatively affect any chances of his rehabilitation.

“It is unfortunate that cases of this nature, the way things are, attract overwhelming media publicity,” the judge said.

“There is no doubt a prurient interest (in the case) that people will want to read about. Unfortunately that is human nature.”

He said he believed the man’s wife was “bearing the greatest burden here”.

The judge noted the man’s previous sexual offending against pre-pubescent girls more than 20 years ago, which, he said, might explain why he chose an animal to satisfy his sexual urges.

“You are a sad case, really,” Judge Callaghan said. “This is such perverse and depraved behaviour it reflects a person of enormous deficiency in personality.”

At his earlier appearance the court was told the man believed he would not get caught because “animals couldn’t talk” and he would not be “told on”.

He had pleaded guilty then to the charge of attempting to commit bestiality with a goat.

Police said the man admitted taking the goat to the rear of his small lifestyle property in a rural township and trying to have sex with it.

After the unsuccessful attempt, the man did up his trousers, patted the goat and walked off.

“He was contrite but said he was unable to stop the behaviour,” the police prosecutor said.

Urging Judge Callaghan to grant final name suppression, lawyer Andrew McCormick said the man had “significant personal problems”, was unsophisticated, and as an “untreated sex offender” was at a high risk of reoffending.

When the public became aware of earlier offending against children he’d been “run out of town” and suffered regular beatings.

He’d suffered the “full spotlight of the public” and believed he was a prisoner in his own home, fearful of going out because of public hostility.

The man also suffered from a number of medical conditions, including sexual dysfunction.

“If this man’s identity is before the public, he and his family would become pariahs in the community,” Mr McCormick said.

Judge Callaghan noted the maximum penalty for similar offending had been reduced from life imprisonment at the turn of the 20th century to one of 3-1/2 years.

But he said he believed a jail sentence was not warranted despite the “niggling issue of sexual offending against young females over 20 years ago”.

I usually start the year with a bang and this year has been no exception, except that I have accepted that . . .

I could be scoring hotter chicks . . . but I take the easy way out.

Often though I see the need for a guy to keep his skillset sharp I feel that at the end of the day scoring fairly average chicks isn’t really that rewarding for a lot of reasons.

So instead of resolving to score hotter chicks, I take the easy way and end up laying low after a string of less than perfect situations.

Oh and the whole issue of lying about your age which im doing comfortably now is definately worth a whole serious post, and I’m starting to see how I could develop this blog as an “antidote” to the whole PUA thing that is just starting to get out there and I think its gonna get a lot bigger.

By antidote I mean . . . an honest account.

im not anti or pro PUA. I just think sure, we all we want to score heaps of chicks while we’re young. We also want to settle down with a real woman who can raise our kids. We have to be the confident alpha male, we also have to be who we really are. And that goes beyond the whole “frame” of trying to sell guys these “dating products”.

There’s no doubt these products have value; but there’s no doubt the industry is also well . . . an industry! It’s as much about men buying these products as it is about men picking up chicks.

And theres something ive been talking about since before myspace or PUA. A male sexual revolution. Women have had a sexual revoultion. I think society needs to be more permissive of male sexuality in order to wipe out the criminal and sexual deviancy that festers in the corners.

Anyway!

My car’s been in the shop. I been keeping things turning over with my tuned myspace profile but not being able to have the car and make a meet is fatiguing.

It’s hard to keep the girls on the line with online and text banter. you need to escalate!!!

Sure i dont need my bmw to do this. but i’d rather have the winds at my tail then at my head.

Maybe . . . he’s just not that into dating advice . . .

I’d like to be a love and relationships expert!

But this whole dating advice thing is getting out of control.

I’ve been following the growth of the PUA (pick up artist) movement over the last year, and it maybe an ad JUST GUYS get, but myspace has fully begun promoting prominent PUA Neil Strauss’s (he’s also a journalist who wrote marilyn manson’s bio and a couple of others) new book “Rules of the Game.”

Check it out here

www.myspace.com/neilstrauss

It’s just another PUA manual teaching guys how to get women to have sex with you as quickly as possible. The obvious blunder is that it’s a book. Guys don’t read books.

Of course this has become a little dumbed down for the mainstream, but all the basic stuff is their – the psychological manipulation, body language cues, alpha behaviour etc. etc.

It made me think. I was thinking shit, just as a hot chick cant go out anywhere now without guys being all up on her, within a few years, every dude will be using these techniques, like telling a beautiful woman her hair/nails/tan/boobs “look fake” or other psychological tactics designed to play on the insecurity over the value women draw from their appearance, and turn the submissive approval seeking behaviour around to the man’s favour.

It’s a worldwide society; as far as I know there is a secret group in each main centre (AKL, WGTN, CHCH, DNDN) of men who meet to share and plan psychological techniques to seduce women, and then they go out and apply them.

But really, its all so forced and rehearsed, all these little routines, pitches, magic tricks, stories etc. all designed to display the kind of “alpha” male confidence - (”DV” - Demonstrate value - being rude to a pretty girl is known as “DHV” - demonstrating higher value) that sweeps women off their feet.

Let me just expand on a classic PUA analogy without going into too much detail.

A man using this PUA shit is like a woman using a big pair of fake boobs. They’ve taken the idea of what a man wants – nice round boobs – and just created a ridiculous caricature. And PUA plays on what women want – a confident man of value – by creating a trashy canned routine out of it but losing the magical allure of natural attraction and leaving nothing but a big fake joke.

Sure, heaps of guys love fake boobs because they’re there and they’re big! But it’s actually a turn off for lots of “real” guys too. And fake confidence will turn some girls off . . . most girls will fall for it.

For me personally . . . do I want to get involved with a girl who thinks I’m weak or not “alpha” because I’m not afraid to say “sorry” when I’m wrong, or tell her I think she’s beautiful? That I’ll ask her where she wants me to take her, not “this is where we’re going because I’m Alpha.”? Probably about as much a girl wants to go out with a guy who’d like you more if you had implants.

(Most PUA stuff instructs to barely compliment a woman if at all possible, and NEVER apologise for anything)

But just as I share what I know with guys who don’t do so well with chicks – because trust me, it does work, it’s just there is limits – I’ve been saying to my girl buddies . . . look this stuff up! There’s a whole different bunch of stuff for women to read to learn how to get what THEY want – IE to get their guy to stay put and do as theyre told.

That’s when I started reading all that “He’s just not that into you” stuff and realised . . . dating advice for women based on basic psychological manipulation etc. is nothing new!

And sure enough this leads onto a host of psychologically themed advice for women on manipulating men and guess what??? Apparently it’s got nothing to do with being thin! Who would’ve thought?

I think it has something to do with propping up his ego.

Sounds about right. I wish my mother would tell me she was proud of me more.

What was it? “How to become a woman men don’t leave”? or something. Sheesh.

But what we have is . . . all this PUA advice stuff out there telling men to act like cocky pricks and force women to seek your approval, and all this dating advice for women say . . . don’t chase, force him to chase . . . and then make him dependant on your emotional support?

Dontcha just love the 21st century?

“We are strong, no one can tell us were wrong
Searchin our hearts for so lo-o-o-o-ong
both of us knowing
Love is a battlefield . . . “